Musical Turkeys by DixonD

Year: 2011
Rating: 1.0
"[Its] source material-- a series of transgressive plays by Munich playwright Frank Wedekind about a stripper who becomes a social-climber only to wind up a prostitute-- allows Reed to set a familiar Berlin scene with 'Brandenburg Gate' (clip), a would-be anthem that, with a less torturous delivery, could almost pass for something from Reed's mid-1970s songbook. Instead, we get Hetfield belting out its 'small town girl' chorus like he's trying to summon the next featured attraction at a strip club."

Name the album.

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Year: 2005
Rating: 0.4
"Right from the start of Make Believe, when Weezer lurches into a flaccid take on Joan Jett's 'I Love Rock N' Roll' with an unfathomably horrible speak/sing vocal from Rivers Cuomo (think 'I like girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch'), you can hear hundreds of critics mouthing 'no no no' and going into crumpled shock. What's more disconcerting is that the song gets worse over the course of its three minutes (let's just say 'Framptonesque voicebox solo' (clip) and get back to repressing the memory)-- and it's the album's first single."

Name the song.

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Year: 2013
Rating: 1.0
"For anyone with even a mild investment in the music [the band] made in the 1980s-- which, considering how far their influence spread after Kurt Cobain leaked them into the world’s mainstream water supply, is a fair amount of people-- the utterly anonymous sound of EP-1 is shocking. On 'Indie Cindy' (clip), Black rants and mutters lines like 'You put the cock in cocktail, man/ I put the tail in wait, watch me walk.' It's terrible, but it's possibly the most memorable turn of phrase he manages. The rest streams by like multiplex air-conditioning."

Name the band.

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Year: 1980, 1981
Rating: 0.8, 0.0
First review: "As a fan growing up, I never owned this album. I didn't know how bad it was and, sadly, I wish I could have remained in those gorgeous shadows for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I listened to Unmasked and became a much sadder man for the experience."
Second review: "Grasping at straws, [the band] rehired Destroyer producer Bob Ezrin and wanted him to help crank out the hits. Ah, but the band was living in the age of early '80s metal, and the man at the soundboard was not only the same man who produced the most 'far out' of [the band's] albums, but whose last project was Pink Floyd's The Wall. Ezrin made the boneheaded suggestion of ditching their new rock tunes and instead recording a concept album about a young hero's quest to slay an elf, or something to that effect."

Name the band.

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Year: 2011
Rating: 1.0
Review of the debut album Blue Slide Park:
"He lusts after fame, money, and women, and he smokes weed and parties. Obviously, there's nothing wrong with that; it is rap music, of course. But it does raise the question of why [he] is so popular, because despite his claim of being a cross between John Lennon and UGK, he's mostly just a crushingly bland, more intolerable version of Wiz Khalifa without the chops, desire, or pocketbook for enjoyable singles."

Name the rapper.

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Year: 1998
Rating: 0.8
"Whereas [If You're Feeling] Sinister was filled with huge hooks, loungy chord change-ups, and a fistful or two of bitingly catty lyrics, The Boy [With the Arab Strap] is seriously lacking in all of that and more. Sinister was compared to Nick Drake and Fairport Convention; The Boy will maybe remind you of the Starland Vocal Band. These are songs so sticky they should be hanging from Ben Stiller's ear, and I don't mean that in a good way."

Name the band.

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Year: 2003
Rating: 0.0
"Ten years on from Exile, [she] has finally managed to achieve what seems to have been her goal ever since the possibility of commercial success first presented itself to her: to release an album that could have just as easily been made by anybody else. Even the songs on [the album] that could be considered 'shocking' or 'profound' are gratuitous and overdetermined, eschewing the stark and accusatory insights of Exile in favor of pointless f-bombs, manipulative ballads, and foul-mouthed shmeminism."

Name the artist.

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Year: 1997
Rating: 0.0
"And talk about not connecting with your fan base! Have you ever seen a [band name] fan? They spend all their cash on inhalants and detox. They don't have the money for four CD players and, if they did, they'd spend it all on-- you guessed it-- inhalants and detox. And then retox. But not three more CD players."

Name the band.

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Year: 1996
Rating: 0.8 "I don't know if you noticed this, but parts of the big hit single, "Big Bang Baby" (clip) are direct rip-offs of the old Rolling Stones tune, "Jumpin' Jack Flash," and they should have even known better than to steal lines from a song that is completely chiseled into every living person's brain. "Big Bang Baby / It's a crash, crash, crash." Fuck you, [lead singer]. You suck so bad that even your band hates you. And after lousing it up your chances to open for Kiss on their reunion tour, who wouldn't?"

Name the band.

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Year: 2007
Rating: 1.0
"No one expects [the lead singer] to act like the chest-slashing miscreant of old, but from a vocal-performance standpoint, there's little difference between this and, say, Naughty Little Doggie. Songs like "The End of Christianity", "She Took My Money", and "Trollin'" revert to the old "I Wanna Be Your Dog" trick of repeating the title until it becomes a chorus, but there's no underlying tension or menace to make them stick. He's never been the most subtle songwriter, but even Raw Power's 'Penetration' sounds poetic next to 'my dick is turning into a tree'..."

Name the band.

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Year: 2000
Rating: 0.3 "[He] is one of the greatest guitar players I've ever heard, but not on this lame disc. The whole artwork has a beer motif. The front cover is a tap, the back cover a glass of beer, and there's a picture on the inside of [the artist] (not a pretty man, I might add), pouring a mug and mugging for the poor camera. It's all pretty obvious: You'd have to be incredibly shitfaced to listen to this excretable wankery that includes the single worst cover of 'Norwegian Wood' (clip) that could possibly be produced. Drink up, Chachi and crank Nirvana instead."

Name the guitarist.

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Year: 2005
Rating: 0.0 and 10.0
"On the scale of artist indulgence, and by any other measure for that matter, this is a solid 10.0 if ever there was one, friends. This-- this-- is a 10 as surely as Metal Machine Music is a 10, as surely as Having Fucking Fun on Stage With Elvis is a 10, as surely as any exercise so bafflingly, inexplicably, unintentionally and intentionally hilarious even in concept is a 10; good god-- what the hell else can this album receive? The rating is inconsequential. It's either a 10 or a zero, and considering Bob [Pollard] is the reigning king of intoxicated concert rambling it's sure as hell not a zero, m'man. A single listen will verify this."

The person speaking in the clip is primarily known as the lead singer and lyricist of what band?

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